For the first time ever in my life I have questioned myself why am I alone at this stage? All of a sudden, everyone, everything seems very distant, unattached , Both nature and fate has been testing my patience and giving me endless mental and physical pain. Enduring pain is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength, when you learn to rise higher even though others do not see it that way. To my own eyes I am problematic and I am a cupid to help others, I love helping others and listening their problems, a friend in US once called me up middle of the night and cried out how I was the only one who could lend her a shoulder. I am not trying to sound vain, but simply modest, I feel so happy when people consider me worthy to share their problems, and for people special in my life, I have always considered to help them in their miseries, aunt agony is how I am defined.. and I thank God for making me capable to help others..
But you know that moment in your life where you fall weak in your knees, and then you start behaving in an eccentric manner, where every behavior by people around you irritates you and you become extremely sensitive, where nothing makes you happy and where the endurance test of pain is only the beginning. I am hearing echos of their names and the only joy I ever had was them, everyone in this world has problems, and we need to tackle them. But I was always told that the more we talk about our problems, there is less of a burden on your soul, the more you share joy, the much better, but this logic turned out wrong in my case. And this I say with experience, I wish my voice could reach out where my heart is, but sadly human emotions are complicated and people often don't look at their own faults, like I said earlier, I have become so critical of myself, I hate everything about myself and how that stranger tried to boost my morale, but today I feel extremely shattered. I need to find you again stranger, but I need to escape the clutches of pain myself end of the day..
I put a full stop to my online community fun, the only platform left to speak oiut heart & soul out is this blogger. Even if people read it or not, I know that I have a place where I can rattle under anonymity. But I did learn that, you can never lose something or someone that you never had in the first place, people who make claims of caring, they don't, coz where is the evidence?and this I say when you take someone for granted... It is human nature that once we lose something we realise it's worth, strange how we couldn't value those emails, those text messages and those sweet gestures he made or she made to make you happy. Strange, how your efforts were overlooked and you were ignored, you messages, your calls were all ignored, hurts doesn't it?
I don't know what else to say, I am simply lost and short of words, I am knackered and I want to stop the I,I. I just wish people could stop being so egoistic, especially when they know it was their fault or it were not such an important issue to rattle over. I am not a saint nor an angel, when I am wrong I realise and I have always had the guts to face it and apologise, not run away and hide in a corner and leaving it as an incomplete chapter...
My dear readers, I can not type anymore and this I literally say, for today and for a while to come ahead, since I am taking a break from online magic and I am trying to explore my life, creativity is my world and I find myself alone there, but you what? It's okay.... I keep saying this to myself, I will be fine one day... did I ever mention that a month ago I was at a gig in London and I was alone, with no one to go with.
It so happened, I was hooting and dancing with the music, then a lady saw me happy all alone, she was with her husband, she then asked me if I was with someone , I told her no, and then I am like why? She goes ' nothing', probably she never saw someone as nutty as me and in my situation I don't blame an onlooker to think I am weird or crazy.
When one of my Egyptian friends first moved to the UK, he felt very isolated and once when we met up, he told me how he felt alone at times and he didn't know who to go out with, he was selective of making friends. A well spoken person, sweet, gentle, understanding and very cultured. On hearing his situation, I then recommended it would be best if he relied on himself, because there is no joy then depending on yourself, travelling alone and exploring places, I know it's not the best of situations, you would rather be out with a large gang of mates and it is a totally different situation. Having selective friends doesn't make a person a loser, atleast it is best knowing that handful people are geniune and not just acquintances. I miss that friend today, I referred to him as Doc A, I remember those small gestures he would make to put a smile on my face and I would enjoy putting a smile on his face when we tried doing the Pharoah's dance middle of Baker Street in London, how embarrassing is tht! I tagged along a friend in doing that, memories, aren't they joyful at times?
When you endure pain in silence from someone you love, or you care for, it is not your weakness to take tht on board, but rather how important that person means to you. I was once told by one of my uncle's ' Relationships all come down to communication and if there is no communication, there is no relationship, communication is the heartbeat to keeping that emotion alive.' Compromise, co-operation, understanding and clear communication is the key, without which, you keep fighting, arguing out of nothing, this is the mistake I have been making, venting anger of someone over someone else, which was purely wrong. Very true, and something I have so experienced in my life. I may not be in my best moods to entertain you with jokes, yes probably you think I am going through the mega crisis of ' self pity', well not exactly, it is depression in a nutshell. It is not a matter of lack of confidence, or scared of meeting new people, instead it is the package that comes along with it. A lot of people close to my heart will probably never ever know a lot of things about me like I don't know a lot of things about them but these things that I conceal is something I preferred SIY ( sorting it myself). Maybe one day they would be upset because I never got the chance to share all that, maybe one day they will realise why I kept hiding, maybe, maybe not, who knows?
But keep tuned with my blog, I will try to pen something at the odd times, as some people say' R, your always full of surprises.' In my case, it's usually good surprises, the bad is for myself... and for others to always look on me as a joker..
I leave you to read back my blogs and comment if you like.
Image Credit: UAE OPEN DAY ( by Khameis) exclusively for my project
Image 2: Edgware Road by me
Image 3: Hyde Park by me
Image 4: Hyde Park by me
Image 5: me
Image 6: Nature by me
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