It's the end of October and it's getting very chilly in London. It's weekend but I feel very repulsive and shattered. These words are like a constant companion in my life, the more I try to use new ways to deal with situations, the more worse it's going. I must say that this year has been very unlucky for me and everything has been going wrong. Next week (28th october) is going to be the beginning of a new journey in my life but I am rather not looking forward to it. If there is a way to escape, I will but then I wonder how far will I run away and how long will it be before I end up in the same place with the same people.
In the last two weeks, I have been doing a lot of reading of new and old books. One of the books that I found very shocking was 'Slave Girl', a book written by Sarah Forsyth, a British lady who talks about her life as a prostitute in Amsterdam and how she ends up in this trap after she believes she is applying for the job of a nursery nurse. Sarah experiences so much pain, endless abuse right from the beginning of her life. She is a brave woman as she comes out of this but it takes a long time before she can even come back to a normal life.
When I last wrote a post about my secret life, I got a very positive feedback from a very good friend who I would like to call A* here. I was glad to know that my writing is read and I felt a sense of achievement and happiness that I have someone who can support my ideas. I met A* about two weeks ago and I was glad to meet him and hear his side of the story, of how he is doing. Life flys by so quickly, with good & bad experiences. When my uncle and my neighbour passed away recently, it's then I saw death so closely. Yes I must admit I have been in grief and losing someone we love the most is not easy, it is rather coming terms with life and questioning your purpose on earth- but I guess I live in a world of my own which is different to the actual world which is full of lies, cruelty, dishonesty and betrayal. The world I painted is full of good and honest people.
The most difficult thing in this life is when you believe in something firmly and you end up being a minority and people are driving towards the other side and your on the opposite side. It is conflict. Your voice gets dominated by other voices because they are in majority.
Recently, I have been feeling very trapped and very suffocated. I feel as if I can not breathe anymore. My work is not even my priority anymore, as if I have lost interest in being a journalist now. As if it is very mechanical and I meet these fake people who live in a fake world. Only a few of them are real because they do not hold on to materialistic things, they quietly do things for humanity and they want there to be peace. When silence is a weapon, it slits away every emotion in your existence by the very look in your eyes. That's how I felt, when someone looked into my eyes, I felt my soul was pierced. I felt it twice, I felt as if someone wanted to be with me forever but couldn't say it.
I have always loved writing letters, I still prefer than over emails, despite being a 21st/22nd century person, I prefer old methods in communication because I believe the reality that there is in sending off a hand written letter gives a special feeling rather an email. There was a time when I would send & receive so many letters, it would put an instant big smile on my face. It is something I miss the most now. Once a family doctor told me back in the late 90's (when the Internet was new in the market), that the 'Internet is the worse place to express emotions', because the Internet can not express how you feel, there are only words typed on the screen, which leave a cold feeling, it can not express grief, it can not express jealousy, it can not express anything but simply standard typed words. I do agree with his statement, despite the icons being introduced and we are able to personalise every statement we type, it is not the same thing. The Internet is the best place to cause misunderstandings, end relationships and cause hell.
Last night till now I feel so drifted apart and taken away in a far place, from everyone I know. It is a place I want to be in for real, a place where there is peace and honesty.If I had accomplished all that I wanted in my life and then asked if I was ready to die, I would let go of life and hold on to death in an instant. I know I would be in a better place than I am now. I know I would not lament , I know I would not be jealous and I know God wouldn't break my trust but His people do.
Ever since I was a teenager I would say to my friends that I know God won't let me down if I put my faith in Him but His ignorant people do break my trust all the time. Every time I have loved and put my trust in someone, they have broken it. There have been very few people who have managed to be in my good books. If I was asked what I would want in a man, it would not be his looks or his bank balance, but his honesty, respect, care and understanding. These are the fundamentals in any relationship.
I find that with the rise of online communities, it has not only destroyed relationships but it has even caused deaths. For many people an online affair, friendship or relationship does not mean anything but for many it is the other way round. I have read so many stories and they have all ended in tragedy.
I personally joined online communities 'MySpace, Flickr, Facebook, Linked In' only for networking and despite myself not single I have never misled anyone on any of these online communities and portrayed as a single woman. I hate the fact that many people take these things lightly and cheat others.
My views on life have taken a front seat in the negative thinking. I decided to close my Facebook account because I feel it has messed up my life. There is too much lies and drama on there. Infact, apart from this blog where I write regularly, I don't want to be active on any other online community for a while.
Sometimes when we love someone the other doesn't realise how their behaviour can be hurtful, sometimes we hurt them unknowingly or deliberately, but what is worse when one is way too honest and the other is hiding things. I don't know but in my situation, I find it hard to believe anything anymore. I need someone to convince me by proving things and this will take a very strong person to be by myside.
I just want to be left alone in peace because my frame of mind has gone from bad to worse and I just need my space of silence.
If you love someone, don't let them feel insecure, don't talk about leaving, it is easy to leave, focus on positive things because life is too short, before you know it, you will lose someone who loved you sincerely.
It is a pity that when you have a diamond in your palm, you are too busy looking for stones, you will only realise the value once you lose the diamond, that is tragedy.
Good people are hard to find, difficult to keep hold of and when they are lost, it is hard to find them, that's when you will realise your mistakes and hate yourself and say ' I wish I hadn't taken this person for granted' .
Till next time,
Goodbye
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