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My secret life! by Arabian Oud {R}






Sitting by the window and looking outside my garden, it's a chilly day, winter is almost here, it is that time of the year, students go back to a new academic year, people are looking forward to a new beginning, meanwhile some are coming to an end. Strange how life is. My mood's very sober, very glum, very thoughtful yet very negative. A feeling of emptiness has taken over me. I don't know where to begin, actually for once I don't want to repeat and moan about things, but rather mention facts here. I lead a secret life, but very few people know this and those who know are people who really love me and understand me. Recently a close friend told me I was 'inconsiderate, selfish and thankless'. To my shock, I could not believe I was reading these words from him, I had only given him an advice in a nice way but he took it in a negative way. When I tried to explain to him how I meant it, he said all those words to me. He told me that it was fine by him that I go out and talk to people about him in a negative way but I never have and never will, not even in this blog. I feel just so misunderstood and more over, when you try to do something good for someone,people only look at the negative side, people do not appreciate the little things you do.

People who really know me can judge if I am thankless, selfish and inconsiderate. Honestly, I laugh whenever I read that and I question myself why is this happening? Am I so unclear and having problems in expressing myself to people around me. As if someone has taken all the right words away from me and let others take it in a negative way.

I lost motivation to go back to this friend and keep any contact anymore. We lose people in our lives, some by our faults and some because they were never to be there and some who never understood us.

My secret life is a bit disturbing, therefore I can talk discuss it online in detail but I can tell you that is painful going out and smiling and making others laugh, and letting them think that everything is fine. When I take off the mask and come back home, the reality is right infront of me. There have been people who said they loved me but when they start seeing what my other life is about, they can not accept it and then they find a way to leave me and finally vanish away.

It is a matter of understanding and trying to know why this happened. It is easy to judge someone but it is hard to understand someone and know the source of the problem and try to solve it. Why did we humans in this time become so selfish and careless?

People think love has to be like a movie or a fairytale but they are wrong, love is about small things, it is a feeling that connects two people , that brings together, people may ask me why my blogs are usually about love mainly, it is because love is the ingredient to life, it is not life, but without love, life is not complete.

When there is respect, care and importance given in love, that is the right combination but what is also more important is the understanding that you have with the person you love.

Love is about honesty and sharing your life together.

I believe the problem in our society is that people do not understand the condition I suffer very well, they look at it in a negative, bad way, they think I am not fit for a relationship. I don't lack anything, but what I have has made me a lesser nice person, this one condition has left me alone.

I thought about my life recently and I have been considering adoption at some point end of this year or beginning of next year enshalla. This inspiration came from a friend who has adopted a child after she decided not to marry and to lead a single secure life. Despite my dreams different to hers, I wanted a life partner, who could make me laugh, who can be my best friend and someone who can understand me and who can accept my secret life, who loves me for who I am. I have been left very alone in the end. I am not desperate by writing all this, this is the only place where i can write and know that nobody would know who i really am. In flesh and blood my existence seems useless unless I give it to someone who needs me more.

Being a woman is the most hardest thing in this world but being a woman doesn't mean we have no rights and that we are slaves. The Middle Ages have gone by and women need to show men we are stronger than that. Unfortunately,the society we live in is made for men and by men. But as long as there are women like my friend, women like me and many more will not stop being who we are.

We should not be punished because we are different, we need to be accepted by a man who says he loves us, he needs to prove it. There can not be 2 different rules for men and women, they need to be equal, if you are talking about equality, you need to look in the dictionary what it means first.

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