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Faithless by Arabian Oud {R}



I am so faithless in these human relationships, once so close to my heart but now I can't hear my heart beat the way it used to beat before, pulsating like a rollercoaster ride. They name call me as Miss Sensitive or Girl with a rotten Attitude and then one day they all started to vanish away, unable to notice their disapperance,I was lost in my thoughts. Slowly I started realising the selfishness of relationships, a relationship of convenience was what we call it, slowly slowly loneliness started to over take my existence. At first, I felt suffocated and then I became so accustomed to this lonely existence. But I always knew He was watching me, He would hear my heart beat, He would watch me cry and then wipe my tears away and then smile and then behave like a 2 year old. He was the Almighty God, for I totally fell in love with Him, I knew others would come and go and break me from time to time, in the form of a friend, a beloved, someone close, they would keep abandoning me for their own privileges, or when their purpose was over, they would betray and back stab me brutally, but then when He took me in His arms and bestowed his mercy on a sinner such as me, I knew I wasn't alone. I walk by Hyde Park and watch a carnival take place but inside I am so lonely, I would simply want to hide in a corner and close my ears to these sounds. I simply want to sit by that lake in Hyde Park, where you feed those swans and birds, it's something very peaceful to my soul.
I am totally faithless not in God but because I don't think I could trust again, there maybe good and geniune people out there but I don't know where they are, I am not searching for anyone, I dont want to search anymore. Searching simply makes you frustrated, I do believe that when we have something or someone who values or loves us, we never value them back, we keep taking them for granted and mistreat, cheat and betray them till the point we realise we lost them, and then we realise the only person who loved or understood left us.. I have left that so many times, and now I feel the only friend I have is my pen and paper, I am not a sadist, I am someone who's totally lost faith in human relationships, lost trust, lost so much belief in them that now I feel I am like a hermit, a Sufi, someone who could keep writing and never stop.
I am faithless, you can never judge me, till you know who I am.. I blame myself for these mishaps, perhaps because I am not a fake person and I have felt being yourself means ' pay a big price', I am not one of those girls who fakes their beauty and pretends to be 'cool', I am someone who is not afraid of being myself..., you like it or leave it, that's me, R
'Khallas Ebed- now please leave me in peace, coz you took away my peace of mind'
Arabian Oud {R}

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