My heart is beating faster, my eyes are restless, my soul is in so much pain, suddenly, there is darkness everywhere. I reach out to touch his shadow, but he's gone. It's been games so far, then I wake up, it was a dream, they were all nightmares, bad dreams. I am so scared, ,my heart is sinking. I can feel my surrounding so empty. Since he left, the world seemed so cold. He's no more, it was announced one week ago. At first, my expressions were frozen, I didn't know how to react, with me it's always been I cry after a delay when something big happens in my life. I cried, I couldn't stop crying. He's died, he's away from the pain of this world. In the past, I tried to imagine life after death. What would happen if I died one day? Nothing, to the pain it may cause my loved ones, other than that another human is gone. But they say, killing one human is to kill man kind. My thinking has become so negative after his death. It brought me to look at life in a different way, value relationships and fellow friends around but I have also come to see how true friendship is so rare in this world. I have been suffering from an extreme kind of depression. I don't know if I will ever come out of it or not. it's hit me soo deeply, I don't know how to deal with it. The more positive i think the more negative things happen. Living in London has made me so negative, to add more pain, there is the recession misery that is affecting people on a large scale.
There are times when i am happy, then there are moments where I am more in tears in my heart than outside. I feel as if all my tears have dried, I can't cry. I want to scream, yes I want to scream loudly, because I feel sometimes people close do not understand us fully, they always misunderstand. They keep thinking we are picking faults in them. it's not that, the condition I suffer from has brought more losses than profits. I have been in more physical and mental pain than ever. His death made me realise that even the most intelligent people in the world can be alone and that true love and friendship is only rare. I dont know where all the good people went. Where is the guy who could go to any pain to be with his lover? Where did trust go? Where did all the good things go! In the age of the Internet and the rubbish online communities, it has destroyed more people than built. I am a technology person but I don;t support all of it.
Atleast the best thing about the Internet is that I have this page where I can write and express myself.
And for now, i remain in this darkness, do not try to touch my shadow, it hurts being touched being told this or that. I will keep hope and faith in Allah that one day all this pain shall vanish, one day my love shall come true, he will make me realise that I am not all that bad to be with. One day I will trust people again, One day I will be my old self again. One day I hope my love lasts forever EnshAllah. One day !
One day I will find my way out and live in peace
Peace
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